The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

“On the other hand, if you have experienced a bad marriage or a divorce, either as a child or an adult, your view of marriage may be overly wary and pessimistic. You may be too expectant of relationship problems and, when they appear, be too ready to say, ‘Yup, here it goes,’ and to give up. In other words, any kind of background experience of marriage may make you ill equipped for it yourself.”

Formative experiences—whether witnessing a troubled marriage or a divorce—can create cognitive biases that shape one's response to conflict in marriage. The Kellers use second-person address (“you”) to draw the reader into self-reflection, aiming to make the psychological observation feel intimate and personally relevant. Through the repetition of “you may,” they mimic the internal monologue of someone predisposed to pessimism, revealing how past wounds quietly script present behaviors. The tone is empathetic yet diagnostic, blending pastoral care with an almost clinical dissection of how memory and expectation can distort relational endurance.

“Unless you’re able to look at marriage through the lens of Scripture instead of through your own fears or romanticism, through your particular experience, or through your culture’s narrow perspectives, you won’t be able to make intelligent decisions about your own marital future.”

Contrast and conditional phrasing expose how personal fears, romantic ideals, past experiences, and cultural narratives can distort one’s understanding of marriage. The structure—built around a series of limiting perspectives—serves to emphasize the insufficiency of these frameworks when separated from Scripture. By insisting on the need to see marriage “through the lens of Scripture,” the authors reinforce a central theme of the book: the Likening Marriage to Christ’s Relationship with the Church. Only by adopting this theological perspective, they argue, can individuals form a right and enduring view of marriage—one rooted not in fleeting emotion or societal trends, but in covenant, sacrifice, and redemptive love.